Total screw up project

I lost my mobile phone.

It contains all the records I have of people’s phone numbers.

If you think I may have had your number, please email it to me.

Way cool, I’m having one of these instead of a straight cardboard job. (See text below for allegedly morbid reference.)

Did you know that many coffins are made of chipboard overlaid in veneer. Chipboard decays slowly, releasing harmful gasses into the environment – quite aside from all of the things in its manufacture.

Of course, you could seal my body inside a glass case, together with some sort of plant and some bacteria/ insect / pet cat, and see if it comes up with a whole new ecosystem.

I’m doing a project. I need your help.

Please name anything that can be done in 2 minutes.

For example:

Say “I love you.”

Have a wee.

Eat some chips.

Anything at all. I just want your ideas. It would be very much appreciated. I want the thoughts of as many people as possible.

Please leave your suggestions via the comments link below, or email them to me directly.

Many thanks.


The ever so PC room booking system at work asks if you would like specific features in the rooms.

You can ask for a chalkboard.

You can ask for a whiteboard.

Why is that? Its not acceptable to call a board that is black in colour a blackboard, but it is okay to call a board that is white in colour a whiteboard. If a blackboard is now a chalkboard, surely a whiteboard should become a spiritbasedpenboard?

Olympic commentary.

And the judges are very happy with that. Look. He looked like he’d clip his feet on the way down, but the drop was clear and… yes, his neck is broken. Oh, I think that the judges are going to award top marks for that. A perfect execution.

Invariably, Jimmy Saville’s Play it Safe would feature a child who had accidentally drunk a bottle of bleach.

“Don’t drink the bleach, kids!” Sir Jim’ll would say, before wheeling on a child that contained no known germs.

“I put it in the lemonade bottle,” the hapless mother would say. “It seemed the perfect place for bleach – it was so handy, in the pantry.”

But this doesn’t really explain why it might seem necessary to decant bleach, especially into a lemonade bottle. Its not like bleach is terribly expensive. Value bleach is really cheap. Admittedly it probably only maims the germs for a bit, or makes them feel a bit poorly, but even so. Whatever you buy, its not expensive.

Perhaps they were ashamed by their bleach. “Oh, Colin”, the wifelet would say to her trophy husband as he leant on the mantlepiece and looked into the middle distance. “Colin, I’ve noticed that our bleach looks so last season compared to the chemicals that they have next door at the Farquarsons.

“Decant it, my lovely”, Colin would decry, aware from his days posing for the Freeman’s catalogue – albeit only in his imagination – that a decanted liquid was a smart liquid. But, tragically, the only empty bottle was from the Panda lemonade, and even though it didn’t have that much class it would be brought into service.

Perhaps that was what happened.

It could also have been that all of the events took place in the houses of cleaning persons, who were syphoning the bleach to take home, either to pour over their own ironically germ encrusted homes in a last ditch effort to save themselves from botchelism, or perhaps to sell down the market or the car boot sale. I really can’t recall.