The keyboard is poorly
it must be the case
after all
so many of the words look sick

This is my life
stretched out before you like
cheap elastic on a catapault
aimed and ready to fire

Amended 18 Mar 2004

It doesn’t like itself
it doesn’t

some would say hate
others know the word is too weak

and it doesn’t like itself
not very much at all

There was that party
the first time that he cried
really cried
age 7
(and a half)
a junior existentialist
all dressed up
mother proud
hating himself
ignoring friends
the first major down
all those around lost by the tears
convinced that crisps would mend him

There were stones on the path to the
swimming pool
sharp and painful but
they wouldn’t let you wear your shoes

we’d change in the classroom
the blue prefab had large widows and strip lights
boys and girls together
for the afternoon treat

the pool was tiny. You could spit across it, now, if it was
still there, not swallowed by a house

Years after, we’d go to the pool on summer afternoons
drive up in the old red VW
change in the hut
and splash about in the water
trying not to drown
us and friends
when we still spoke

They arrived
at 7.30
to make the collection
into the transit
hired for the new job

I was asleep
didn’t hear the sound of the
lock
or the sound of boots on the stairs

Didn’t wake
not for five days

they said I was one of the longest out

I didn’t know
had never heard of it
so nothing to compare

I didn’t see their faces
don’t know if they had any
(features, that is)
my mind was focussed elsewhere
not on making contact

We talked briefly
they told me what I wanted to know
and let me sleep
a restful mind, see, is a happy one
at least
that’s what they’d have you believe

The fat man with the beer gut
ignored the toilet etiquette

The fat man with the beer gut
peed, and peered

The fat man with the beer gut
proclaimed his pity on his inadequate neighbour

The fat man with the beer gut
Found his stomach no match for a well aimed car

Woke
the bed was cold
perhaps I had died in the night?
but no
it was winter, and
the boiler
was an old whore

moved my feet, eventually, out from
the duvet

blue, they went

but I was used to the cold
had a job in a food plant
growing boxes of meat
in the big freezer

the alarm was silent
the case cracked
where it had hit the wall
after waking me

sun started to creep past the
old cotton sheet that
pretended to be a curtain
but gave up
went west
and left the room grey

I shivered

a mug of coffee was on the dresser
behind it the whisky

i emptied the coffee into the bin,
and filled the mug with something
better for me
warming my heart burn
with preparation for the day

outside, children played with the
ashes of burned out cars

I heared the siren of a passing
police wagon
but the emergency wasn’t local
and it left

another top up and I was ready for
the day
prepared in mind
the body could catch up
later
or just get second place

Your smiling face is reflected
by the steel face
as the pressure of the mind
is released

and your dismissal, gone
the rose tear on pale expanse
marking
your expression

this is the way the pain ends
the wimper followed by a bang
later, as the mirror
smashes

after all
the greatest fear is
our own reflection

and the ever changing you remains
oblivious
notices only sometimes a subdued mood
not the lengthening track of events

Amended 18 Mar 2004

There was the time I tried to walk home
got to the gates desperate to the caught
and sent back
stood there for a lifetime
until it passed and a teacher came
to reincarnate me back into the classroom

The darkroom was good
You could be alone, the red light
made it safe so
no-one could join the
smell of the chemicals
broken stool
and the clock that counted down to the end of break time

Of course they knew
They could read my mind
sat there, plotting against me in the staff room
that was why they’d cancel games for a
cross country run
and why one day there was that maggot in my lunch

I used to think that they didn’t like it if you
didn’t run
but now I know
that’s how they caught you
easy prey
a distraction from their unqualified mediocrity
and the years until retirement

Amended 22 May 2014