No-body here

said the ghost.

I also emailed BOSE. They make speakers. They refuse to publish technical specifications for their expensive equipment, so what you buy, and how it sounds, is a complete lottery. Personally, I think its stupid to make purchases without knowledge of what you are purchasing. So I emailed them…

—

[Web form email]

Hello

I was interested in the sound dock for my ipod. Strangely, unlike your

competitors, I cannot find any technical information on the item. Can

you provide me with this information so thatI can make an informed

decision, rather than one that is based purely on marketing rhetoric.

Thanks

Alex

[They replied, sending me an instruction sheet and asking what I really wanted to know. So I replied back…]

Date: Wed, 3 Nov 2004 3:03 PM

From: “Alex Veitch”
To: xxx

Subject: RE: Music/Home Cinema Systems & Speakers

Dear Madam or Sir

Many thanks for the swift reply to my email. I was heartened to see this, and the attached file. Unfortunately, although it gives instruction on the use of the sound dock, and gives such detailed technical specification in relation to its weight, the sheet fails to provide an overview of the audio qualities of the product, particularly its reproductive frequency range and power output.

For a brief moment, I wondered if the sound dock was therefore an item that would confound physics by emitting no audible frequencies at all. I assume that I am wrong about this, as it seems to run counter to your reputation for audio excellence.

It would therefore be helpful if you could send me information on the reproductive frequency range for the speakers, and the power output. I would, after all, hate to buy the product only to find that it was so quiet that only my pet bat could enjoy the tunes, except that the music was played on such a constrained frequency range that even the bat couldn’t hear it.

I hope that you see my dilemma.

I look forward to receiving the details – which, as I said before, are easily obtained for the competitor products. I have cash in my pocket and am poised to make the purchase, but it seems fiscally irresponsible to do so without the full knowledge of the product, so without this information I will buy a competitor item.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Many thanks

Alex

[They sent a standard email saying customers are too stupid to understand spec sheets so they won’t release them. Maybe they won’t release them because the statement “No highs, no lows, its got to be Bose” is actually true. Who knows. I’ve not actually listened to the product in question.]

I’m clearly on a roll with this…

—

From: xxx

Sent: 03/11/2004 19:33:43

To: xxx

Subject: Store opening hours

Hello

How excited I was, to see the new Waitrose store in Sheffield. The thought of a choice of foods – and particularly fresh vegetables – not seen in the local Netto made me weak at the knees.

All was going well, until I went to the store. Alas, it appears that the store is closed at all of the points when I would be able to shop there. 8pm closing! I’m all for bringing some traditional values to retailing, but antique closing times in what is meant to be a 24hour city is simply unhelpful. I’m at work until late, and need the flexibility of being able to get to a shop by the now common closing time of 9 or 10.00 pm. As it is, I am only just getting home from work when the shutters come edown.

Since the closing time of yesteryear means I shall probably never get to shop in Waitrose – unless I phone in sick, although such unethical behaviour might see me banned as incompatible with the store – I wonder if you would mind sending me some photographs of the interior (digital, by attachment, would be fine), so that I can get some enjoyment from your new premesis?

I look forward to hearing from you. There’s a space reserved in my photo album.

Many thanks,

Alex

[They sent a very nice reply, some 28 minutes after store closing. To which I replied:]

Date: Thu, 4 Nov 2004

From: “Alex Veitch” xxx

To: xxx

Subject: Re: Waitrose Customer Feedback

Dear xxx

Many thanks for contacting me so quickly in relation to my email on the Waitrose opening hours, and a request that they be extended beyond 8 pm in the week. I was heartened to see that your response was sent at 8.28pm, so wondered, initially, if my email had managed to bring about a change in national company policy. Sadly, on reading the content, it appears that this is not the case, and I can only assume that either the customer service centre stays open late in order to demonstrate its

finely honed sense of irony, or you were locked in. If it was the latter, I hope that you’ve now been released, and perhaps been given a cup of tea.

I notice that the email did not include photographs of the store interior. Shall I take it that these are unavailable at this time, and should I therefore perch next to one of the windows and take some myself when I can get down there? I would hate to stand out or look suspicious, as I am sure you can tell.

I appreciate that the store is open later on Friday night, and is also open at the weekend. Regrettably, once the shackles to my desk are released on a Friday evening, I tend to only have the strength in my legs to make it as far as the pub, and worse still, it takes 2 days to recover. And thats after only a pint. I am, also, very often away from Fridays to Mondays, in body as well as mind.

However, despite these constraints, I have found that since I went on the “Waitrose diet” I have lost approximately one third of my body weight, so there are some benefits to never managing to make store opening.

Many thanks, again, for your reply.

Alex

[I am looking forward to seeing if I get a further reply.]

Oh dear.

Looks like the world is fucked, after all.

An email to Tesco. The worrying thing about this is that I appear to be turning into a cantankerous old git. But maybe I always was?

—

Hello. On 11 October, I purchased some Broccoli from the Tesco Express on West Street, Sheffield. I don’t normally do this, given the exorbitant 90p cost for a small floret at the express store, but the promise of a half price vegetable secured my interest, and so I queued for the requisite 10 minutes with moderate excitement in order to pay for the goods.

Unfortunately, at the till, I was charged 90p. I wondered if I had made a mistake so paid, and then checked the shelf again.

Alas! It was the store that was in error. Given that I had already allocated much of my lunch hour to the gathering of broccoli, I was reluctant to queue again in order to rectify your mistake. As there was no apparent customer service desk, I walked to the front of the queue.

“Get back!” shouted the nearest cashier, perhaps assuming that I was going to attack her with the cruciferous vegetable. Knowing that this was not the case, I was able to hold my own with a swift retort of “No, you owe me 45p!” No doubt dreading that here was a ‘live one’, she let me be served, although making sure it was her colleague – the original cashier – who would administer the task.

Whilst the cashier was apologetic “oh, yes, sorry, I realised just after you had gone”, and gave a refund of the difference, it was not until a few days later that I realised that Tesco has a policy, whereby in the event of an error between the price on the shelf and the till, the item will be refunded in full and kept by the customer. Unless, of course, it was in Sainsbury’s when I read that sign. But it seems unlikely, given the current dire financial circumstances that are faced by your rival, that they could even afford to get a sign printed let alone follow through on its promise. So I stand by the thought that I read this in Tesco.

The question, then, is why I was not refunded the full amount by the cashier, for a mistake that was apparently known about, and in accordance with your published statement. Could it be a matter of staff training?

In case it is of assistance, I still have the refund for the receipt itself, although I can’t locate the one for the original broccoli purchase so you’ll just have to trust me on that. It was the same cashier for the purchase and refund. The numbers read:

“11/10/04 13:14 3354 003 2004 4079”

I must stress that despite the apparent discrepancy with company policy, the cashier who served me was courteous, friendly and apologetic. Nonetheless, the thought that I am being robbed blind by misprogrammed computers does make me think about where I should shop next.

Self hatred removes the burden from those you encounter.

Sharing your thoughts loses the independence of the soul.

Yesterday I got fed up, as I never get to go out with large groups of people to expensive formulaic bars wearing identical style ben sherman shirts in various shades of pastel so that we look like a pack of dysfunctional starburst and drinking expensive bottled beer with bits of fruit crammed in the top whilst standing up because there are no seats and not being able to talk because the music is too lound and all sounds the same to any of these fair weather friends who are only there on the off chance of receiving free beer by not paying for their own rounds and then going clubbing and then pulling a townie and getting crabs.

On reflection, it may be for the best.

People who I think I would stand a chance with, if I was single.

1.