She said: why don’t you love yourself?
He said: why don’t you fuck me?
Amended 22 May 2005
She said: why don’t you love yourself?
He said: why don’t you fuck me?
Amended 22 May 2005
The ever so PC room booking system at work asks if you would like specific features in the rooms.
You can ask for a chalkboard.
You can ask for a whiteboard.
Why is that? Its not acceptable to call a board that is black in colour a blackboard, but it is okay to call a board that is white in colour a whiteboard. If a blackboard is now a chalkboard, surely a whiteboard should become a spiritbasedpenboard?
Its all just fiction.
Life is just fiction, that we believe.
Olympic commentary.
And the judges are very happy with that. Look. He looked like he’d clip his feet on the way down, but the drop was clear and… yes, his neck is broken. Oh, I think that the judges are going to award top marks for that. A perfect execution.
Invariably, Jimmy Saville’s Play it Safe would feature a child who had accidentally drunk a bottle of bleach.
“Don’t drink the bleach, kids!” Sir Jim’ll would say, before wheeling on a child that contained no known germs.
“I put it in the lemonade bottle,” the hapless mother would say. “It seemed the perfect place for bleach – it was so handy, in the pantry.”
But this doesn’t really explain why it might seem necessary to decant bleach, especially into a lemonade bottle. Its not like bleach is terribly expensive. Value bleach is really cheap. Admittedly it probably only maims the germs for a bit, or makes them feel a bit poorly, but even so. Whatever you buy, its not expensive.
Perhaps they were ashamed by their bleach. “Oh, Colin”, the wifelet would say to her trophy husband as he leant on the mantlepiece and looked into the middle distance. “Colin, I’ve noticed that our bleach looks so last season compared to the chemicals that they have next door at the Farquarsons.
“Decant it, my lovely”, Colin would decry, aware from his days posing for the Freeman’s catalogue – albeit only in his imagination – that a decanted liquid was a smart liquid. But, tragically, the only empty bottle was from the Panda lemonade, and even though it didn’t have that much class it would be brought into service.
Perhaps that was what happened.
It could also have been that all of the events took place in the houses of cleaning persons, who were syphoning the bleach to take home, either to pour over their own ironically germ encrusted homes in a last ditch effort to save themselves from botchelism, or perhaps to sell down the market or the car boot sale. I really can’t recall.
Someone, please, buy my old Fridge.
Its for sale in the paper for £16.42.
Offers taken.
I remember
as I walk
nervous
to see you
that sudden smile
glowing
from across the room
and your friend
behind me
coming through the door
Recently (last Thurs, Monday, Tuesday), I have worked about 9 hours overtime per day.
One upon a time there was a little Penguin called Gwen, who lived in an icy lair next to the other penguins.
Gwen Penguin liked nothing more than to lock herself inside, away from all of the outside world. It was scary being a penguin!
One day, Gwen Penguin was cowering in the corner when she heard a knock at her door.
“What’s that?!” thought Gwen Penguin. “There must be something wrong.”
Gwen Penguin hunched herself up, and tried to hide under an old copy of Escalope, the Penguin’s Periodical. It was no good, and her beak cut through the cheap pages.
“Its only me” said Gwen Penguin’s mother, coming in to look at Gwen Penguin.
“And me!” said her father.
“I might have known,” said Gwen Penguin, with a heavy sigh. “Please try to be quiet. The noise frightens me,” she said, with a particularly beaky quack.
“We’re just off to get some seaweed for tea. We wondered if you’d like to come” said Gwen Penguin’s parents.
“No thank you. I’m going to stay here. I prefer a simple life.”
“Suit yourself” said Gwen Penguin’s parents, who left the lair, shutting the door behind them. And with that, Gwen Penguin put a blanket over her head and pretended that the world didn’t exist.
For a little while, all was well, and the world played along with the game. Until suddenly, Gwen Penguin was startled again, as she heard a knock on the window.
“Gwen. Gwen! Are you there?”
“Come out and play.”
It was Henry and Susan Penguins.
“No. I’m hiding from the world.”
“Please.”
But Gwen Penguin said no, and then sat under the bed, so that no-one would be able to see her.
As she sat under the bed, Gwen Penguin noticed a spider crawling across the floor.
“Help” she squeaked. “I don’t like spiders.”
The spider looked at her, and stopped.
“Why are you afriad, little Penguin?” asked the spider. “I won’t do you any harm. I just want to spin a beautiful web.” And with that, the spider made the most beautiful web that ever a spider had created.
“That’s a lovely web”, thought Gwen Penguin. But she didn’t like to tell the spider, in case it came near her.
A little while later, Gwen Penguin heard singing outside.
“Come outside and play,
in the ice and snow
its fun out here
no need to fear
and so many places to go”
Looking out of the window, Gwen Penguin saw that Henry and Susan had returned, with Colin Penguin, whose idea of leading the bass had been to bring a fish on a string.
“Come on Gwen Penguin. We’d like you to play in the ice with us” said Colin Penguin, skidding about as he released his new fishy friend back into a hole in the ice.
“Don’t be scared. We’re your friends.”
“And look. You’ve got a new friend.”
Gwen Penguin looked, and saw that there was the spider, standing next to her Penguin friends. And, behind them, the spider had made an enormous web trampoline.
“Come on, Gwen Penguin. You spider friend wanted to make you a tramopline, so that you would come and play, and not be scared.”
“Yes!” said Gwen Penguin. The other Penguins were her friends – and so was the spider. She would have a nice time playing with them, and maybe they’d even be able to do a little more singing.
When Gwen Penguin’s parents arrived home, they saw Gwen Penguin and her friends laughing and jumping up and down on the trampoline. The smiled at her, and she waved back. “I’m not scared now” shouted Gwen Penguin. “Hurray for my friends!”
If you cut off my head with an axe
the brain would escape through the gap in the neck
and run acros the executioner’s platform
like a clockwork spider with a rusty spring