Dear Santa

Please note that my house is private property. After your visit last year, which cracked the brickwork in the chimney as you forced your way into my lounge before drinking all of my whisky, I want you to know that you are not welcome to visit on Christmas eve. This year, I intend to keep the fire burning in the hearth. I note that you ridiculous costume includes a highly flammable trim, and you will go up like a yuletide flare if you attempt to get into the house. Note also, that your reindeer should not land on my roof – no more slipping tiles, please – nor hover in the vertical space above the house. The effect of all of these beasts, who had evidently been well fed during the course of the evening, was most unpleasant last year and quite put me off my lunch. Besides which, there is only so much manure that I need for the roses. So don’t tempt me to have a venison lunch.

Bah humbug etc…

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